


Makoto's Monster

by MakikoIgami



Series: Makoto's Atlantis [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, wet dreams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-05
Updated: 2013-12-05
Packaged: 2018-01-03 13:58:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1071261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MakikoIgami/pseuds/MakikoIgami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto is always smiling. But there’s so much underneath. So much that it scares him. ((onsided) MakoHaru). One-sided, angst, mentions of nsfw-stuff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Makoto's Monster

Makoto hardly let anybody in into what he’s really thinking. Most of the time he didn’t know himself what he was thinking, but there were a lot of times when he felt like he might be a little too close to people in general. That he was latching onto them and becoming dependent on them, much like Ren and Ran do with everybody that they like a lot, no matter what they say.

Therefore he smiled his happy little smile just when people around him were being nice to him, wanted to be close to him and allowed him to relax when he felt a little nervous that his own anxieties might pull them down.

He wouldn’t say that he was depressed or otherwise mentally unstable, it was more like he was afraid what he would do if he were allowed to act freely. He was so concerned with everybody’s well-being that he hardly cared about himself. Everybody else came first, and then, if he had the time for that, he may consider thinking about himself, too.

His siblings, his friends and then, most of all, there was Haru.

Ever since his friend had announced that he would stop going to the Swimming club during their first year in Junior High, Makoto suspected that there was something wrong with him. That something had happened, but he couldn’t just ask. The one time that he wanted to ask Haru what had happened he got a noncommittal answer that nothing had happened and he just didn’t want to swim anymore. Still, whenever they came across a pool, an aquarium or anything else big enough for him to soak in, Haru would start to strip and it would be difficult to get him to stop, even for Makoto who considered himself a very good friend and somebody Haru would listen to.

Haru… Makoto’s thoughts would always come back to Haruka.

He didn’t know if it was because they grew up together and had always been friends, but Makoto felt particularly close to his friend. So close sometimes that he scared himself. There had been more than once night where he woke up drenched in sweat, his underwear uncomfortably tight because of the dream he had been having. Dreams in which he touched Haruka like sometimes wanted to touch him when they were swimming or when Haruka had been stripping once again.

More than once had Makoto found himself biting his lip, thinking of his best friend even more when he relieved himself of the tension in his groin. He didn’t even think about Haru in some kind of sexual way, no, he was disturbed by the fact that he thought about every day Haru, Haru in his school clothes, Haru walking with him from school, playing video games with Haru. He would probably have felt better if he had been thinking of Haru beneath him in the sheets, flushed and sweaty and horny just like him, but no, he just had to think about innocent things while he did things he never wanted to discuss about with anybody.

He wasn’t sure if that made it easier or harder to face Haru in the morning when they would meet and walk to school. But they’d always chatter and walk together like they had done for years, as if nothing had ever happened between them.

Sometimes though, when they were sharing and ice and Haru’s mouth seemed to wrap almost indecently around the light blue popsicle and he looked up to chance a glance at his taller friend, Makoto was sure that he knew. Haru’s eyes were always deep and they managed to pry even deeper into his soul, no matter how hard he tried to forget about the monster that he tried to hide behind his smile, the happy smile he always wore to hold himself back from doing something that he would regret.

But he could never fool Haru. Haru always knew what was going on inside his mind, but he never asked him when it was bothering him, because he knew it was bothering him and Makoto would rather forget about it than having it addressed so openly.

Yet Makoto knew that if he ever needed to tell somebody about his problems because his chest got so tight with doubts that he was starting to feel like he was drowning, he could come to Haruka and tell him everything. Haruka wouldn’t judge, no, he would listen and take a share of Makoto’s fears, doubts and problems from his chest until Makoto was able to breathe again. Sometimes it was just enough to sit by his side and relax.

Still, like he was afraid of the ocean, Makoto was also afraid that one day it wouldn’t be enough to just smile. That it wouldn’t suffice to be happy with what he had, with this special friendship between him and Haru, that he wanted more. That he needed more and that he would act before he could think about the consequences.

Although, he often thought about what would happen if he ever decided to give into the urges he felt underneath his carefully constructed layers of walls of smiles. Even more afraid of his own monster he was afraid of losing Haruka, the only person who ever mattered in his life. Sure, his siblings and parents were important too, but he knew that they would always be there for him. But what about Haru? What was going to happen after High School? Would they continue to the same university or would their paths separate then after all.

As much as he didn’t want that, Makoto knew that it would probably be for the better if he put some distance between him and Haruka, before something bad could happen after all. It was by all means no failsafe plan, but it was a plan. Maybe he could forget about the monster lurking underneath his smiles for a while and just be himself without inhibitions, maybe that would calm the monster so that he would be able to face Haruka one day and not feel the urge to pull him into a bone-crushing hug and never let go until he was sure that he could not ruin anything anymore.

He had seen Rin do it. He had felt jealous then, so disgustingly jealous when Rin - who had brought nothing but pain to Haru for such a long while - had hugged Haruka tight after the relay at the regionals, the stupid tears falling from his eyes like it was nothing. But he had also been so ecstatic, so thrilled and the rush of adrenaline had done its own toll to make him feel happy when the monster inside of him was trying to tear him down, that he laughed with Nagisa and hugged all three of them to celebrate their victory although they were all painfully aware that they were already disqualified by their stunt of substituting Rei with somebody from another school.

He had seen Nagisa do it, too; hug Haru so indecently that he just wanted to pry him off, but for some reason, Nagisa was different. Nagisa was more easily to forgive, but that was because he didn’t bring Haru any pain. In fact, it was probably all thanks to Nagisa that they were swimming together again and that Haruka was swimming more freely with every stroke, as much as Makoto wished that it was his doing.

There was one time, one time that he had been close to letting loose that monster inside of him. But then, he was scared of the fear in Haruka’s eyes, even if it almost broke his heart. He was also too occupied with wherever Rei was at that moment that he couldn’t act accordingly. But Haru had been so angry then, so livid, that he didn’t think he could come up with words to calm him and to convey feelings of ‘I want to fuck you so hard,’ not when he had just jumped off death’s scythe.

He had thought his chance had come during the Squid Festival, when Haru had confessed just how much he liked swimming with the team, how he wanted to be with the team. Makoto knew it was his answer to what he had said when they were alone on the beach in the pouring rain, but he could also sense that there was more than that. That maybe Haru wanted more from him than Makoto was ready to give. It was reassuring, but it was also scary and the dreams’ occurrences doubled after that until Makoto made a conscious effort to keep them from bothering him too much. He was sure that he would have done something he would now regret had not Nagisa and Rei appeared so suddenly.

And now… everything seemed to be coming to a halt. Or at least things were slowing down so much that Makoto didn’t know if the first few months of their second year at high school had been but a dream.

Rin was with them all the time now. Which wasn’t bad and Makoto’s initial jealousy had subsided back into what had once been their usual friendship, made up of swimming and little challenges here and there. He felt comfortable around his friends and he knew they felt comfortable around him. Yet, there were still dreams where he dreamt of Haru and Rin drowning and he would have to make the choice of saving only one of them.

Naturally, his choice had always been Haru and he would always beat himself up over it the moment he woke up even if he would never feel guilty about his choice.

Then there was the time when he caught Kou looking at Haruka with more than just scientific interest in his muscles. It came as a huge surprise to him and he wondered if it had to do with the fact that she was Rin’s sister and that bother siblings felt the same, much like his siblings had their own crushes on Haru. It made him sad and the monster in his resurfaced, fueled by jealousy and the need to rip the girl’s head off, so he put up his smile full force.

Of course Kou noticed him looking at her and she blushed, casting her eyes down guiltily, shaking her head. “Makoto-senpai…” she started in a small voice.

"Hm?" he asked, as if he didn’t know exactly what she was thinking.

"I’m… I’m sorry," she said, which startled the boy. He had expected her to ask if he knew if Haruka would even have remotely interest in somebody who was not water, but not this.

"Huh? What are you apologizing for?" he asked and didn’t even need to have to fake his surprise.

"I… I… Ah, it feels like I did something really indecent! I’m sorry!" she squawked again and hurried off back inside, hiding from him.

His eyes followed her, still stunned, but he turned around when he felt a pair of piercing blue eyes on the back of his head. Haru had returned from his round in the pool and was currently looking at him with a mixture of curiosity and surprise, although Makoto knew he would never ask. So he looked back at him with his smile, tilting his head good-naturedly to give a sign of ‘don’t worry, nothing bad is happening,’ before he turned his attention to Nagisa cheering on Rei.

It was only late at night that day when it dawned to him that Haruka wasn’t the only one who knew of his dark secret now. Therefore, as it came to choosing where they wanted to go to university after High School, Makoto hesitantly put one in Tokyo onto his preferred choices sheet. When his parents heard of that they were thrilled and cheered him on and he knew that he would have no other choice than to study hard and work even harder to follow that dream, even if he didn’t know if it was really a dream or if he was just simply trying to run away from himself.

But then Haruka voiced his pride for Makoto going such a complicated way as well and Makoto knew that he would be fine even with such a big distance between them, so he smiled, sincerely. Uninhabited, freely as he thanked his friend for his support, even as said friend looked away in embarrassment.

So maybe, _maybe_ , one day he would find the courage to face the monster inside of him and finally tell his friend how he really felt.

Maybe.

One day.


End file.
